Dear Diary: Thank you for being there for me while I had a momentary mommy meltdown

This post was written for the Mama Diary series in collaboration with Modern Fort last year.

I haven’t felt the way I felt when I wrote this diary entry for a while. In fact, I think it’s because I’ve been exercising again! It’s amazing how beneficial exercise can be for not only our physical well-being but mental well-being too!! However, I thought I would repost this diary entry I wrote because I think mothers can be extremely hard on themselves and it’s important to know that we’re not alone.

DEAR DIARY:

Today, was one of those days I questioned everything about this parenting gig. I mean, I heard through the grapevine that things are supposed to get easier. And don’t get me wrong, it’s easier in so many ways.  I’m not changing shitty diapers anymore, and pushing a stroller, and waking up in the middle of the night to a screaming baby.

BUT…

WHY can’t I just wake up with makeup on and my hair done?  Why can’t I wake up with the lunches packed, all the beds made, the laundry folded, breakfast and dinner ready, the dishes ALWAYS clean, groceries ALWAYS stocked in the fridge, the kid’s permissions slips, and field trip money, homework assignments, and library books, just magically signed and taken back to school on time!

WHY do these children always remind me of the things they need for school? Can’t they just forge my signature by now? Geeze, I’m pretty sure that’s what I did when I was ten. And WHY do these kids need to eat SO much!!

WHY the hell are their bedroom floors covered in clothes that I nicely folded in a pile for them to put away?

WHY do they have to like sports and activities so much? I didn’t do any activities after school and look how (unorganized, bad with time management and non-athletic) I turned out!

Oh and just a thought: Kids SHOULD totally start driving earlier! I mean, WHY the hell not? I think 12 is a perfect age. WHY do I have to escort them around the city?

WHY do they have to argue all the time, especially in the car about stupid stuff like their shoulders touching one another! It’s a shoulder not a piece of SHIT!  And speaking of SHIT, WHY do teenager’s bedrooms smell like old hockey bags full of POOP?

And WHY don’t they seem to care? WHY doesn’t it BOTHER them the way it bothers me?  I would NEVER invite my friends to my house if it smelled like a big bag of POOP!!

And WHY does my teenager choose friends that give me that I don’t trust this person vibe? Like hello, WHY can’t I choose the perfect friends for them?

AND WHY are my teenage daughter’s eyebrows more important to her than homework?? And WHY do her friends message her on snapchat ALL night long and WHY does she have to put up a fight when I take her phone away?

UGH.

WHY do teenagers need to be on their phones 24/7?

Seriously, put that shit down for a second otherwise you’re going to get hit by a god damn car!!

WHY do I have to remind them to brush their teeth and go to bed? They’ve been to the dentist, they KNOW what getting a cavity being filled feels like!

WHY do I have to make their appointments for them? Just make your own damn appointment to see the doctor!

OMG, and WHY do they ALWAYS hand me their garbage? DO I LOOK LIKE A GARBAGE CAN?????? Actually, you know what? I probably do, because I literally wake up almost every day, make black coffee, make them their breakfast, pack their lunches, and drive them to school in whatever shoes are at the door with pajama pants on and I usually don’t even brush my teeth until I get back home.

So, not only do I LOOK like a garbage can but I most likely smell like one too.

WHY does my husband always look SO happy? WHY does he get to leave the house all cheery and wish me a good day? He NEEDS to stop doing this!!!  Like seriously, you better NOT wish me a good day before I’ve had my coffee while I’m dealing with a cranky six year old who doesn’t want to get dressed!!!

WHY can’t he help me? Oh, wait. I forgot. Because he has to go to work. *Insert tears of rage*

OK well, “YOU have a great day at work too, BABE.” I’ll just be here trying to WORK as well and clean, and cook, and try to get in some type of physical activity so your garbage can smelling wife can somewhat feel like she’s desirable.

Oh, and WHY does school end at 3 pm? WHY can’t they finish when I’m finished working?

WHY do I look at the clock and realize I’m almost late to pick them up from school EVERYDAY??????

And WHAT kind of example am I setting for my kids when I’m late to take them to school or I’m telling them to hurry up, or I don’t want to kiss their dad goodbye in the morning because I’m pissed off that I look and smell like a garbage can and not like a real housewife of Coquitlam?

Why do I always have to have the house so tidy? Why can’t I just leave it the way they leave their bedrooms?

WHY can’t I be more like my husband and just come home and take my socks off and leave them in the MIDDLE of the floor?

WHY?

Oh… I know why because I’m what they all call; CRAZY!

And seriously, this is the most mind-boggling question of all:

WHY do the people I love the most in my life have to see the messiest parts of me EVERYDAY!! HOW is it even POSSIBLE they still LOVE me (especially after eating my crappy dinners????). I can’t even believe they look up to this disorganized, crazy person who smells like a garbage can.

I’m hanging on by a thread here.

I’m winging this parenting thing.

AM I EVER GOING TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER?

Dear god, I hope I’m not screwing them up.

Maybe that’s my problem.

Maybe I’m just too damn hard on myself.

Maybe I’m failing to see all the beauty in my everyday chaos because when I scroll my Instagram feed all the moms are standing in their white kitchens with their marble countertops while their baking Pinterest cookies with their hair and makeup done.

Maybe, I think THEY have their shit together and it makes me feel like I don’t?

Maybe, some just hide their chaos better than others and I just need to… take a chill pill.

Love always,

A recovering perfectionist (who’s way too hard on herself) that was simply having a momentary meltdown.

PS:

Have you read this blog post I also wrote about motherhood?:

https://stylingtheinside.com/2017/05/01/tell-the-truth-in-motherhood-or-get-a-nose-job-a-creative-writing-im-totally-procrastinating-blog-post/

*photos Type A Photography 

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