“You’ll know the truth by the way it feels”
The truth has been coming up for me trying to make its way above the surface.
And when I’m ignoring it, it manifests in other ways.
In fact, I’ve been feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and just not like my normal confident self. It’s almost like I’ve reverted back to the little girl who struggled with debilitating anxiety and cared way too much what people thought.
Thanks to my good friend, Taslim Jaffer, I wrote some of my feelings down. She encouraged me to write out the emotions I’ve been bottling up so I could figure out why I’ve been feeling waves of anxiety.
First, I went and did a workout and the thoughts that kept coming up were, ” I care too much what other people “feel” and “think”.
And then when I wrote out some of the things I’ve been struggling with I noticed after reading them that each thing I wrote down had something to do with people pleasing.
I stressed like it was life or death on my husbands birthday because I wanted him to have the best day. Although I know he’s perfectly content just being with his family.
I’ve worried about what other people might think because I’m making money from the work I do. I’m allowing myself to shrink and play small so I don’t make other people feel uncomfortable.
I had a hard time saying no to someone recently because I was worried about disappointing them.
But in the end, I’m disappointing myself!
All these feelings have been bottled up and as a result, I’ve been putting an unrealistic amount of pressure on myself which is leaving me feeling anxious.
“Do it all, and don’t let others see you sweat” type of pressure.
And that type of pressure doesn’t feel good on the inside.
Because it’s BS!
No one can do it all and perfect for that matter.
I know this stems from shame and growing up never feeling good enough.
“If I’m successful other people will think different of me”
“If I say no I will make that person feel bad”
“I don’t want to bother anyone so I will do it myself”
“If my house is always clean it will look like I have my *%@# together.”
But that pressure and mask of perfection does not feel good AT ALL!
You know what feels good though?
Tuning into the truth.
Seeking to understand why I haven’t been feeling like myself and sharing this truth about the way I’ve been feeling.
When I wrote this out and courageously shared it on my Instagram last week, I felt an immense sigh of relief. And since then I’ve felt better. So much better.
In fact, I began exercising again, and I can feel myself slowly coming back to my confident self.
And when I’m loving myself I can hear a little voice inside saying “I’m proud of you.”
In short, being vulnerable isn’t a sign of weakness.
Vulnerability eases my anxiousness. It reminds me that I’m human and that no matter how many times I go back to that place of shame and not “good enough” I have the strength within to overcome it.
Being vulnerable is being strong. It allows us to go beyond the surface. Beyond the highlight reel.
I know there are people out there who may be afraid to let their shell crack open. They may not want to break. They don’t want to be seen.
But the broken pieces are necessary in order to grow.
Our truth lives under that shell.
It’s there within us.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t always feel good but when we’re conscious and ask ourselves why it’s making us feel this way it can be truly transformative and healing.
I’m healing day by day. And uncovering the reasons why I struggle with the disease to please, is bringing me back to me! The part of me I was created to be!
In other words, tuning into the way things make us feel will lead us to our truth and help us grow.
This “disease to please” business has been going on for a longggggg time. I keep repeating the same lessons again and again. The difference now, however, is when I’m not honoring myself I’m conscious of it. Therefore, I can begin to take baby steps toward healing, growth and more self-love.
“Creating a life that feels good on the inside”
We’re all on this journey.
The things that don’t feel good, (if we’re open to “feeling” them) they are our greatest life lessons.
The lessons that take us below the surface and beyond the “everything is perfect” highlight reel.